For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually
have a Chili Cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major
portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili
taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The
original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there
at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came
in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be
all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,
So I accepted".
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the
worst one. These Texans are crazy.!!!!
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have
been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I
ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild
foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.
Is it possible to burn out ones taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills. She is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac!
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne
peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer
focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved
my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!!
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
flames. I crapped myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier
than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers
at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears
to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a
thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing
water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants
are full of lava like crap to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm
not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy
enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry
to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the
chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder
how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.